Not getting what you didn't want

There is nothing more frustrating that not getting what you want....... except maybe not getting what you didn't want but expected to get.

It is sort of like being annoyed at someone else more than you really should because they did something that really annoys you when you do it. Confused yet?

Recently I reluctantly tried to obtain something.

I didn't really want it. I didn't need it. I didn't enjoy many different aspects of it. But everyone thought I would get it and I decided that trying to get it would at least leave the option open to me if I decided that I wanted it.

So I tried to get it. And while I was waiting to find out if I had, I decided that I definitely didn't want it. I decided that once I was offered it I would turn it down graciously. Say "Thanks but no thanks" and explain that the disadvantages of the thing were more than it was worth to me.

But I didn't get it. Someone else did. Someone I know, like and respect. Someone who will appreciate it much more than me.

But because everyone expected that I would get it, and expected that I would want to get it, they are disappointed for me.

And although I am disappointed that I didn't get to say"Thanks but no thanks", overall I am more relieved than disappointed. The disadvantages are still too sharp in my focus.

But all is not sunshine and lollypops, there are some parts of the thing that I really loved. I grieve for the loss of them.

It has been such a wonderful opportunity to be gracious and classy. There is nothing like being in a bad situation to allow you to show who you really are. I am the woman who can congratulate the person who got what she expected to. I am the woman who can accept the outcome that I didn't expect.

The interpretation of my upbeat attitude to the outcome tells me so much about the people around me. Those who assume I am putting on a brave face are correct though they probably don't realise that I am cheerfully hiding the childish tantrum I want to throw for not getting the outcome I expected, even though in the end I got the outcome I wanted. Those who tell me that there will be others in the future and not to worry about this particular one are right but probably don't realise how far into the future that might be. Those who tell me why I should have got it renew my confidence in my skills and myself. Those who show absolute shock and surprise inflate my ego. And those who say nothing, say most of all. I will remember them.

But like a clever Hollywood play write once said, when God closes a door he always opens a window. I wonder what this one will be like......